I did everyone a favor by hating myself. This attitude gave voice to apologetic self depreciating remarks, a cover up. The reality of me scared me. I thought I was looking after the problem so I wouldn’t be a bother to anyone. I thought rejecting me was a motivating exfoliating punishment. Strangely I was trying to protect myself. I thought if I rejected me, no one else would.
Unfortunately, or happily, not accepting myself turned out to be evil. The hatred spilled out all around me. Imagine, the decisions I made during that time! If I could rewrite my story, what different caring thoughtful exciting decisions might I have made on my behalf?
About 16 years ago awhile reading and rereading Romans chapters 1-6 every day for 30 or more days not only was I radically born again but also experienced a revelation about the evil of hating myself. I did an emotional U-turn. I had to use my mustard size faith to avoid the plunging emotions of self hatred that had become my default mechanism. But because my belief system had changed my behavior changed.
A perfect holy God accepts me awhile fully knowing the depths of my depravity. If God loves me who do I think I am to hate myself?! I recognized the evil of prejudice yet I was prejudiced against myself. Of all the people I am responsible for how irresponsible to dislike myself.
I have been on a journey of growing awareness of just how good the Good News is. How deep, how wide, how high, is God’s love. I will never forget the day the revelation of God being bigger than my stuff hit me. I could see all of me and smile because I had become aware of who my Savior was.
I sang this song over and over before it hit me. My past, present or future is not the issue, who Jesus is, is all that matters. Jesus, I am resting, resting in the joy of what you are; I am finding out the greatness of your loving heart. You have bid me gaze upon you, and your beauty fills my soul. For by your transforming power you have made me whole. (Jean Pigott, 1845-1882)