"Facebook is shutting down!! 3/11/11!!"

By Charis Seeley

If you have email, you’ve received chain mail. Chain mail consists of those horrible letters people send out en masse, usually to warn you of a nonexistent event or to aid a fictitious child. The most annoying people in an address book are the ones who only send these useless, false messages. If you’re like me, you’ve fantasized about sending them the worst chain mail ever written. So, I took stock of my e-mail, and what’s been born bears a strong resemblance to Frankenstein’s monster. While I can’t claim the following to be “The Worst Ever”, it’s certainly the most outrageous I’ve ever read.


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Attention Friend!

Due to the internet’s popularity, email has become over crowded! All email providers will be deleting any accounts that receive this email and do not forward it to all their contacts! You MUST forward this to EVERYONE you know, or they will think your account is UNNACTIVE!

Two weeks ago, a friend of mine was going to the grocery store. She got out of the car, locked it with her remote, and walked into the store. But before she even got a cart, she realized she left her grocery list in the car. When she went back out, there was a man in her car! He had used an electronic code grabber when she locked her car, and was stealing her GPS, phone charger, coupon books, you name it! She was able to scared him off with her keychain pepper spray. Frightened, she drove off and onto the highway.

She wasn’t on the highway for 5 minutes when an unmarked cop car flashed his lights at her. Still frightened from the thieving man, she remembered an email I sent her the week before. Pulling out her cell phone, she dialed *77 and got the local police dispatcher. The man over the phone told her it WASN’T a cop behind her, and she should keep driving. When the imposter realized she wasn’t going to pull over, it sped up and began pacing her. The car was full of gang members! They opened fire on her! Still on the phone with the police dispatcher, she ducked behind the wheel until they passed. One of the bullets was contaminated with semen, it pierced her abdomen and she is now pregnant with a gang baby!

An ambulance came to get her, and at the hospital she gave her statement to the police. They said there are a lot of new gangs in the area, and they’re all doing initiations. The Police Impersonation isn’t their only tactic. The police warned her that these gangs will be doing more shooting in the coming weeks. Their targets include young mothers and their children at Wal-Mart and any cars who flash their high-beams on the highway to alert the gang that their headlights are off. The police also said these gangs have been known to use elderly people in distress and the audio recording of a crying baby to lure women out of their homes and into unsafe areas! My brother’s, mother-in-law’s, youngest daughter’s son is in one of these gangs, and he says no one is safe during initiation!!

We aren’t the only ones experiencing this wave in violence, it’s happening all over the country. Presently, in an effort to help, Bill Gates will donate .01 cents to fighting crime for every time this email is sent. It may not seem like much, but if it saves even one life it is WORTH IT!

Fortunately, there is also a Nigerian Prince who is helping the fight against violence. He will match anything you send by 1,000%. If you donate just $5, he will donate $5,000! Just e-mail GregUdofia@NPSN.com with your full name, credit card info (number and date!!), social security number, maiden name, home phone number, cell phone number, home address and work schedule! This information will make the transaction smoother, and it’s completely safe!

I know 97% of the people who read this won’t pass it on, even though it is GOD’s will!! If you’re part of the 4% that love and fear GOD pass this to everyone you know! If you don’t, then you HATE GOD!! Pass it on to all your friends/family/children/coworkers/wives and especially all the women you know!

Let’s put an end to code grabbing, coupon thieving, police impostering, bullet babies, and Wal-Mart gang initiations!!! If you don’t know very many people, send it to the same people over and over again!

I Don’t Like Spam

…pure doggerel from the pen of Robin J. Steinweg


I don’t like Spam in a can, I don’t like the taste.
I don’t like Spam in an e-mail—the time that it wastes.

Whether pink and wet and slimy or not,

Ground or sliced, cold or hot—

Innocent-looking but nasty inside,

When I see Spam I want to hide.

I don’t like Spam.

I don’t like Spam in a can, I don’t like the feel.
I don’t like Spam in an e-mail—the rot it can conceal.

To get Spam in a can, you must drive somewhere.

Spam in my e-mail floats in on the air.

Spam in a can is a choice you can make.

Spam in my e-mail sneaks in like a snake.

I don’t like Spam.

I don’t like Spam in a can, I don’t like the smell.
I don’t like Spam in an e-mail—makes me wanna yell.

Gelatinous mass of unpleasant stuff

                       Or

Abominable tonnage of verbal duff…

              I don’t like Spam.

Spam in an e-mail can bear my name.

It can look like one thing yet be nothing the same.

But Spam in a can you cannot disguise;

Chop, grind or casserole it, your nose will be wise.

So if the time came that I must choose
Between Spam in a can and the Not-so-nice News,
I think that I might just make the choice
To toss my can opener… and lose my voice.

                       I don’t like Spam!

EPILOGUE: I loved my password. I called it my own from the first e-mail I ever wrote. My fingers flew over the keys to type it. It was a word that had fond associations for me. I loved my password. Then one day a Spam message arrived with my return address on it. I opened it, curious. My own face smiled at me from a message I would not dream of typing. I was forced to rummage in the attic of rejected possibilities for a new password. Alas.

Though I might reflect on the futility of railing at Spam with my words, the exercise has at least given vent to my feelings. I have taken a stand against both a culinary fixture of my parents’ generation, and against one of mine. Then or now, I don’t like Spam.

Robin J. Steinweg delights in the Lord homeschooling; writing children’s books; directing, writing and arranging music; teaching students 5-85; leading worship; and listening for the Music of the Master’s voice. Among other things, Robin writes devotionals for the online magazine The Christian Pulse.